Mistress knows what shame is part 2. What is shame? How is shame different from guilt?

Shame for me is to fall through the ground.

I want to experience it, probably because I personally think: if you are ashamed, it means you have a conscience. I can’t say that I don’t want to experience shame; I probably no longer want to do things that make me feel ashamed.

How do I run away or suppress shame - close myself off, self-isolate, or ignore my shame, as if I experience it at the same time.

I think I always admit to myself that I feel shame, but not always to other people.

I would like, while experiencing shame, to accept myself and, probably, still understand that I am not ideal.

I am often ashamed, but I feel ashamed for other people!

I don’t want to live this feeling, especially for arrogant and arrogant people!

I’m also ashamed in front of my parents for my “kuralesinya” in “torch”!

Something like this. I don't know what to write anymore...

Shame is when I feel uncomfortable in front of someone for what I did, I don’t want to see this person, or I don’t want anyone to talk about this action of mine.

I don't want to experience this feeling because it is unpleasant. But I want to, because it forces me to analyze my actions and change.

I cultivate shame when I analyze events and relate them to generally accepted principles.

I run away and suppress this feeling - when I “freeze” from someone in front of whom I am ashamed.

I will try to make amends for the action and look decent, and admit my mistakes: “Yes, I behaved wrong.”

I am not afraid to admit this to myself and others and am ready to change.

A very unpleasant feeling for me.

My grandmother was an Old Believer and raised me in strictness. She kept telling me: “This is not possible - it’s a shame, but this is not possible - it’s also a shame.” Looking into a boy's eyes is a shame. Running around in a short skirt is a shame. A girl can't wear shorts - it's a shame.

Sex education was generally taboo for me. This was the greatest sin and shame. It so happened that at the age of 5 I was raped by a man whom I knew well. He was my friend's grandfather. But since my grandmother inspired me that there could be no worse sin than getting close to a man, and this grandfather threatened that he would tell everyone that at that age I had become “unclean.” I closed myself off. I have never felt such shame in my life. I ran into the garden, climbed into my favorite apple tree and cried there for about 5 hours. And I promised myself that I would never tell anyone what this man did to me. And for more than 30 years I carried this pain within myself until I went to rehabilitation, and there I opened up. There they explained to me that it was not my fault and that I was not “dirty.”

And today, the feeling of shame keeps pace with me constantly. I constantly feel like I'm naked. I feel embarrassed and ashamed all the time. I have learned, it seems to me, to hide this feeling, at least outwardly, but not always. The feeling of shame, if it is strong, closes me like a shell. I just shut up and hang my head low. And shame paralyzes me so much that my voice disappears and I cannot speak.

Shame for me is a negative feeling of condemnation or rejection of oneself, one’s actions, thoughts, desires. Shame is the feeling that I experience when I myself or other people condemn me, and I agree with this condemnation and consider it fair. That is, shame is a reaction to fair condemnation. Something like guilt, but not as destructive.

It's a shame when you promise something and don't do it. It’s a shame when you accidentally show yourself to be ignorant in a society of cultured people, or when everyone behaves decently, but you don’t, and then you look at yourself through their eyes and think: “How could I say/do such a thing?” It’s a shame to blurt out something out of place that suddenly shows you from the worst side. It's a shame when you don't get an erection at the right time. It's a shame to have an erection at the wrong time. It’s a shame to cry, to be weak, to not control physiological functions, for example, to fart loudly and crap one’s pants on the subway. I'm ashamed to admit some of my desires. It's a shame if you're caught masturbating.

Shame is when others find out something about you that you know about yourself, but want to hide from others, and sometimes even from yourself, because you consider it to characterize you from a bad side. Shame is always a kind of painful repentance, recognition of oneself as “wrong”, condemnation of oneself due to non-compliance with certain standards or concepts “MUST be this way”, “MUST do this way”. It’s a shame when you hurt a person because of your uncontrollable emotions (you yell, insult, “prick”).

Shame is one of the most common feelings that a person experiences. Almost all of us are familiar with it. When we experience shame, we want to hide, run away, we feel naked and vulnerable. The main message that a person experiencing shame receives

I am wrong. The way I am, I cannot be accepted.

A state of shame most often occurs when your behavior, appearance, position in society, environment does not correspond to your ideas about yourself, according to your expectations. The feeling of shame intensifies when we look at ourselves through someone else's eyes.

Shame is a discrepancy between what I should be according to my own ideas about myself (ideal “I”) and what I really am in a given situation. In other words, shame indicates that here and now, under these circumstances, I am not what I should be.

Shame has a very wide range in the intensity of its manifestation: from banal awkwardness, which turns into embarrassment, and then into shame. The highest manifestation of shame is the feeling of disgrace.

How does shame arise?

Each of us has an idea about ourselves, about our personality traits, character, behavior, about how to look in our own eyes and in the eyes of others, about the environment, about our own expectations in a given situation. All this is called self-concept. Disagreement with the self-concept is experienced as shame.

What stimulates shame?

If it is based on stubbornness in which we refuse to recognize the freedom and choice of another person, then by feeling shame, we deny our own freedom, refusing to accept ourselves as we really are. In shame, we do not give ourselves the right to be who we are at this particular moment in a given situation. In other words, shame arises from the inability to live up to one's ideal self, i.e. intolerance towards oneself.

Why do we need shame?

Shame as an emotion performs an adaptive function in communication. With the help of shame, people control each other. Shaming is an active way of controlling a person by appealing to shame. By shaming a person, we point out his inappropriate behavior and evaluate his (behavior) as unworthy. Shaming assumes that the person is actually better than how they behave in the situation.

Shame is a powerful social regulator; it controls our behavior. In a sense, we can say that shame is forced socialization, since the feeling of shame involves focusing your actions on the people around you, society. In life, we can observe that people who are most susceptible to shame are, as a rule, very socially oriented, strive to please everyone, be “good,” and put public interests above personal ones.

Shame guards our “Inner Self”. When we are ashamed, we are very sensitive to the opinions of others, both criticism and praise. By becoming sensitive to other people's opinions, it is as if we are looking at ourselves through someone else's eyes. Sensitivity to other people's opinions makes us vulnerable. In protecting our Self, we break contact or follow the impulse to escape because we are vulnerable.

For society as a whole, shame is of great importance, since with the help of shame, the process of socialization of each of its members occurs; shame also contributes to the formation and development of emotional connections between people. Through the personal shame that each individual experiences, the interests of other people are taken into account, which contributes to the strengthening of society.

There is a saying in Russian: "No shame, no conscience." We are talking about those who put their own interests above public interests. The idea of ​​individualism destroys social ties and society as a whole. A society where there is no shame is not viable, which is what we are actually observing. The “culture of shame” is being replaced by a “culture of guilt.” Hence such phenomena as the removal of sexual taboos, intimacy, increased anxiety and distrust of others.

How to get rid of shame?

Despite the positive functions of shame, subjectively this feeling is experienced as discomfort, since it is felt by us as awkwardness, blocks our behavior, and we become hypersensitive to the assessments of others. In addition, shame is often accompanied by guilt, and many people confuse the two. There are quite clear differences between shame and guilt , knowing which, you can control your behavior.

All these factors together push us to avoid this feeling, get rid of it, not experience it. In a strict sense, it is impossible to get rid of feelings, otherwise people would choose only “good” feelings for themselves, and get rid of “bad” ones. Feelings are our biological mechanism, these are our reactions that we cannot control. Manage feelings It is also impossible to control directly. Feelings can only be influenced indirectly, through actions and thoughts. You can overcome shame only by thinking about it, i.e. perform some mental actions to recognize and understand this feeling.

Overcoming shame includes 3 stages

1. Knowing shame
2. Suspension
3. Refusal to compare

Knowing shame

Cognizing shame presupposes awareness of one’s own expectations regarding oneself, one’s condition, abilities, behavior, belonging, and environment. Comparing expectations and reality and detecting discrepancies. The following questions may help:

• What should I be like so that I don't feel ashamed?
• What was I like if I was ashamed?
• What were the expectations of other people that I am ashamed of? To what extent are they realistic?

By answering these questions for yourself, you will be able to “separate” your shame from yourself, make it an object of observation, and, therefore, reduce its influence on yourself.

Suspension

This point involves letting go of expectations about yourself. It will be easier to distance yourself if you understand the source of your expectations about yourself. Usually, our expectations about ourselves are learned in the family, in communication with significant people. Here it will be useful to ask yourself the following questions:

• What is the reason that significant people thought this way about me?
• Thinking about me this way, did these people take into account my capabilities and individual characteristics?
• Did they accept me not only as “good”, but also as “bad”?

Refusal to compare

Comparing yourself with your ideal “I” also adds a feeling of guilt to shame. Refusing to compare your behavior with your expectations and the expectations of others reduces the effects of shame. Feeling shame is the price we pay for judging ourselves.

Radical release from shame is admitting that you are imperfect. Love yourself as a “bad” person.

Each of us knows what shame is. This is an unpleasant sensation that causes internal imbalance. It can be so strong that it interferes with normal activities for a long time. How does shame appear (this alien burning feeling), is it worth eradicating? How to treat him correctly? You will find answers to all these questions in the article.

Is there a feeling of shame?

In fact, a developed personality understands that there is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of in this world. But the caveat is that if you go out onto Red Square inappropriately, this will at least risk a conversation with a local police officer. First of all, you need to understand that it is not bad to commit any unsightly act. The problem is that shame is a feeling that arises if people who do not understand the situation find out about this action.

We are all human, and the body of each of us works purely individually. Some of us need more food, water, love, work, entertainment, sports, relaxation and so on. Shame is the result of social rejection of a behavior. After all, there are always people who live by opposite laws.

The feeling of shame is brought up by the environment

A primitive example can even be cited from the lives of students who live in a dormitory. In the room where excellent students live, there is always an atmosphere of cleanliness, order and the desire to learn. Such a student cannot tell his neighbors that he went to a nightclub last weekend. After all, his action will be considered inappropriate for an educated, well-mannered person. That is, he will feel shame (this is an unpleasant feeling of guilt for wasting his time irrationally).

There is also a completely opposite room. There is constant noise, guests and fun. All residents believe that it is not necessary to study, because they can somehow come to an agreement with the teachers. As a last resort, you can write off the test. In this room, everyone constantly dresses up and goes to discos or somewhere else in the evenings. In the company of such students, it is simply unacceptable to say that you spent last weekend studying electrical engineering notes. As a result, they will say that living like this is boring and wrong. Such a student will think: “I am ashamed in front of my friends for being like those nerds.”

Standards required by society

From childhood, certain norms of behavior must be instilled. If desired, becoming an adult, a person improves and improves them. Among such points are the following:

1. Wipe your hands on the tablecloth.
2. Make slurping sounds when eating.
3. Tap the plate loudly with your fork.
4. Use a toothpick in front of everyone.
5. Cleaning the ear with a finger in front of someone, and so on.

From childhood we are taught that there are certain norms of social behavior. And it’s a shame to violate them. Of course, everything depends on the contingent into which a person falls. That is, if he is in an ordinary working environment of the most ordinary people, then the phrase: “I am ashamed because I took a sip of tea loudly,” no one will understand. But if the interlocutor is a highly intelligent person, then it is inconvenient to even accidentally hit the dishes with a spoon in front of him.

Shame in raising children

Unfortunately, very often the concept of shame is simply abused. This is done in order to protect the child from unwanted actions. For example, a child plays in the yard and stains his new pants. His parents scold him and point out his wrongdoing in every possible way. As a result, the phrase is sure to sound: “Shame on you.” That is, the child gradually understands that he should experience a certain feeling for his misdeeds. He may not see any problem in smearing new things. After all, he just took a step to the side, and next to him stood a bench that turned out to be dirty. But apparently, mom and dad don’t understand this, so it’s much easier to lower your head and demonstrate that there’s shame involved.

Unfortunately, such a person gradually becomes withdrawn. He is afraid to say or do anything, because any of his actions will be judged as wrong. And everyone will know how he feels.

An adult who is ashamed

In the world of adults, things are somewhat different from those among children. A grown-up child who was constantly reproached for doing wrong, making him feel uncomfortable. Such a person does not understand well that one can do without shame. And those around him intuitively sense his fear.

The likelihood that he will end up in the company of exclusively kind, gentle people who are sensitive to his feelings is extremely small. Usually those around you “probe” weak points, beginning to manipulate mercilessly. They may deliberately simulate any situations in order to cause a feeling of shame. That is, an adult must understand the situation and be able to remove himself from childhood fears of this kind.

Shame in front of people who don't understand

The point is not to renounce shame altogether. This feeling is an indicator of prohibitions imposed from the outside. The feeling is very unpleasant, reminiscent of a burning sensation inside. There is a desire to hide and erase your own offense from memory. Is it worth feeling ashamed in front of those who could understand what happened, but do not want to do so?

You should convince yourself that any condemnation of any impartial act is pure spitting. As you know, gays are most condemned by those people who, deep down, are strongly disposed towards them. People who really don't care about this problem are interested in completely different things. And guilt and shame in front of them because of some stupidity or situations that need to be explained simply do not arise.

Another example suggests that if you clearly point your finger at someone, you are actually pointing at yourself. If it turns out that your interlocutor committed some involuntary act, then you should not point a pointer at him and shout about it to the whole street. By such behavior, the one who supposedly keeps order shows his natural involvement in this kind of thing.

Working with Shame

An adult must decide for himself whether something is acceptable to him or not. And adhere to people of corresponding views. Keeping your psyche healthy in this case is much easier. Thus, he will feel a sense of shame solely in front of himself.

It's best to treat this feeling as an indicator. An adult chooses with whom he communicates. That is, if there is an unpleasant burning sensation inside, then there is most likely manipulation involved. Perhaps real or very old. You should not suppress the feeling of shame within yourself, but try, on the contrary, to extract it.

It is necessary, despite the unpleasant sensations, to sort the situation into pieces. That is, you need to find out:

1. What happened.
2. Own attitude and reasons.
3. Opinion of the interlocutor (one or more).
4. Who else will find out and how they will react.
5. What to do next.

Answers on questions

You need to honestly and without embarrassment identify for yourself the event that occurred that causes an unpleasant feeling inside. Then you need to answer the question about the reason for what happened, but you cannot deceive yourself here. That is, the nature of what happened is that the situation was misunderstood, some unacceptable remark was made, an unpleasant act was committed due to poor health, and so on.

Then it is very important to understand how the interlocutor reacted to what happened. If his reaction turned out to be arrogant, judgmental and cruel, then thoughts should arise about how the dialogue with this person occurred in the first place. Rather, there is no need to communicate closely with him. You should also probe those people who may find out about the misconduct.

In the future, you need to behave as if nothing happened. In this case, you should draw your own conclusions. That is, if the interlocutors turned out to be people who showed cruelty, then communication should be reduced to a minimum and you should be happy for the people for whom everything always happens extremely perfectly. Because such a thing does not exist in nature in principle.

Who is better to be friends with?

If a person reacted normally, then you should give him a plus. The interlocutor’s ability to not pay attention to the situation also characterizes him very well. But there is a moment of sincerity here, and it must be felt.

That is, you need to communicate with those who are interested in their own lives. Such people will not bother their heads with some peculiarities that happened to their friend. On the contrary, if they see that a person is very worried about something, feels ashamed, feels guilty, then they will try to get him out of this state. It often happens that the person who committed the seemingly shameful act had no bad intentions. But there is an unpleasant feeling. In this case, a true friend will help you see that the action is not worth a damn.

That is, should we be upset about something for which we are not really to blame? The logical answer is that no. It is better to treat shame not as something unpleasant and requiring relegation to the far corner of the subconscious. You need to take this feeling as an indicator. Thus, you will be able to use it to your advantage and improve your well-being.

Definitions

From the point of view of biology and psychology

K. Izard, citing a number of characteristics of the feeling of shame given by different researchers, summarizes them in the following description:

Shame is accompanied by an acute and painful experience of awareness of one’s own “I” and individual features of one’s own “I”. A person seems small, helpless, constrained, emotionally upset, stupid, worthless, etc. Shame is accompanied by a temporary inability to think logically and effectively, and often a feeling of failure and defeat. A shamed person is unable to express his feelings in words. Later, he will definitely find the right words and will again and again imagine what he could have said at that moment when shame left him speechless. As a rule, the experience of shame is accompanied by an acute feeling of failure, failure, complete fiasco. This feeling is caused by the very inability to think and express ourselves in our own style. Shame creates a special kind of alienation. A person is very lonely when he burns in the flames of shame, unable to hide from the piercing gaze of his own conscience. He is truly alienated from his surroundings, at least in the sense that he is unable, as before, to easily turn to another person and exchange meaningless phrases with him.

Of interest in the study of shame is evolutionary biology, which received a significant impetus in the research of Charles Darwin, who began to consider the question of how shame is expressed in the human body (cf. Charles Darwin, “On the Expression of Sensations,” St. Petersburg, 1872, ch. XIII, pp. 261-294). Further, Darwin clearly posed the questions:

• about the origin of the feeling of shame and
• about its gradual development (cf. Darwin, “The Descent of Man”).

It is not so much the solution to the question itself that is of interest, but rather its formulation. Should the feeling of shame be considered innate, or was it formed through upbringing and inherited acquired habits?

Perhaps even more important is research into the history of the development of shame in humans, normal and abnormal, at different ages (cf. the works of Preyer and Perret on the soul of a child) and depending on gender. In the psychological literature one can find sensible comments on this subject, but the richest material on this issue comes from psychiatry, which treats moral insanity; Particularly important is that area of ​​psychiatric literature that concerns erotomania and perversions of sexual feeling (cf. Tarnovsky, “Perversion of sexual feeling”; Moreau, “Des aberrations du sens génesiane”; Kraft-Ebing, “Psychopathia sexualis”, Stuttgart, 1890), due to the close connection in which the feeling of shame is with the sexual sphere.

If the history of the individual development of shame in a person can serve as an interesting topic of research, then even more interesting are the changes that ideas about shame underwent at different times among different peoples. In general, apparently, the fact of the gradual improvement of the idea of ​​shame and the gradual deepening of modesty itself can be considered proven. Facts of the astonishing shamelessness of savage peoples and peoples at a low stage of development are conveyed by both anthropologists and many travelers, although here there are exceptions, just as among peoples at a high stage of development there are eras of deep moral decline (cf. Friedländer, "Sittengeschichte Roms"; Wiedemeister, "Der Caesarenwahnsinn"; Suetonius; Lecky, "History of European morals"; Jacoby, "Etudes sur la selection"). In relation to the feeling of modesty, literary historians should do the same as Laprade and Bizet did in relation to the feeling of nature: the material is extremely rich, and there is no shortage of preparatory work in the so-called. folk psychology, Völkerpsychologie (cf. L. Schmid, “Die Ethik der Alten Griechen”; Lazarus, “Die Ethik des Judenthums; Fouillée, “La psychologie du peuple français”, etc.). How amazing, for example, are the arguments of Aristotle about shame in his Ethics (to Nicomachus), and how they differ from the views of Christianity, which undoubtedly contributed to the deepening of the concept of shame (cf. Josef Müller, “Die Keuschheitsideen in ihrer geschichtlichen Entwicklung und practischen Bedeutung”, Mainz, 1897 - an unsatisfactory book; Suterland, “The Origin and Development of the Moral Instinct”, St. Petersburg, 1900).

Among the most famous, widely disseminated and publicly appreciated are the works of such a field of scientific knowledge as psychoanalysis, including its various directions. We are talking, first of all, about works authored by Z. Freud, A. Adler, K. Horney, E. Fromm and many others. Within the framework of psychoanalysis, shame is considered as the result of the action of “... a higher authority in the structure of mental life... plays the role of an internal censor,” acting unconsciously and regulating the behavior of the individual as a whole ( Z. Freud. "Psychology of the unconscious." M., “Enlightenment”, 1990. - 448 pp.) and representing moral norms and attitudes that are formed in early childhood and accompany a person throughout his life.

From a sociological point of view

The feeling of shame is also of great importance in sociological research. From a social point of view, mainly two phenomena attract attention - marriage with its various forms (monogamy, polygamy, polyandry, etc.) and results, and crime. Just as the field of mental deviation from the norm provides the richest research material, so in the field of social science, the study of crimes and criminals in which the sense of shame is dulled can be interesting for a sociologist not only in a theoretical sense. The Lombroso school must be recognized for its undoubted merit in this area, despite its hasty theories and hobbies (cf. Lino Ferriani, “Letters of Criminals”; Corre, “Les criminels”, P., 1889; Havelock Ellis, “The criminal”, L. ., 1890). The same area of ​​sociological research should also include those instructions regarding the feeling of shame that teachers can give, bearing in mind, on the one hand, the influence of school (in most cases bad), on the other hand, practical indications of means to preserve and develop modesty during school age. Finally, the state’s attitude towards prostitution and brothels deserves serious attention as an institution in which the Christian state officially recognizes the eradication of shame from some beings in order to maintain shamelessness in others. The difficulty of the position of the modern state in relation to manifestations of shamelessness is noticeable in other issues (let us recall, for example, the storm raised in Germany over the Heinze Law).

From an ethical point of view

The feeling of shame can also be the subject of research in the field of ethics; in this regard, Vladimir Solovyov was the first to point out (“Justification of Good,” Chapter I) that the feeling of shame is not only a distinctive feature that distinguishes man from the rest of the animal world, but that here man himself distinguishes himself from all material nature. By being ashamed of his natural inclinations and the functions of his own body, a person thereby shows that he is not only a natural being, but something higher. The feeling of shame determines the ethical attitude towards material nature. A person is ashamed of it in himself, or, more precisely, ashamed of his subordination to it and thereby recognizes his inner independence and highest dignity in relation to it, due to which he must possess, and not be possessed by, it [ neutrality?] .

From an aesthetic point of view

Finally, the feeling of shame can be the subject of research from an aesthetic point of view. Literature in relation to the issue under consideration can serve as an indicator not only historical, but also aesthetic, that is, one can explore the question of how and in what typical figures the great masters of words embodied the feeling of shame. And not only literature, but also other arts (for example, painting and sculpture) can be included in the scope of research (cf., for example, I. V. Delestre, “Études des passions appliquées aux beaux arts...”, Par., 1853).

Links

• Warren Kinston. “Shame, a theoretical overview” (translation from English)
• Evgeny Novikov. “The theory of reintegrative shame and the ethics of humanism: ways of interaction”

see also

Notes

Literature

• D. Greenberger, K. Padesky. Mood management. Methods and exercises / Mind Over Mood: Changing How You Feel by Changing the Way You Think. - St. Petersburg, Peter, 2008. - 224 p. ISBN 978-5-469-00089-1, 0-89862-128-3 (English).
• Martin, J.-P. The Book of Shame: Shame in the History of Literature. M., Text, 2009.
• Cua, Antonio S., “The Ethical Significance of Shame: Insights from Aristotle and Xunzi,” Philosophy East and West 53, 2003, 147-202.

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